In relationships, it’s easy to assume that what makes us feel loved will work for our partner too. But often, people express and receive love in very different ways. We are not carbon copies of each other! And despite what you may think, just because your partner loves you, it doesn’t mean they can or should be able to read your mind or know what pleases you.
That’s where the concept of love languages comes in. Understanding love languages can transform your relationship by helping you and your partner communicate love more effectively. If you are struggling in your relationship, Houston marriage counseling can help. If you are not sure if it’s time to start couples counseling, this post can help answer that question.
What Are Love Languages?
The term "love languages" was popularized by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. According to Chapman, there are five primary ways people express and interpret love:
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Physical Touch
Each person typically has one or two dominant love languages. By identifying your and your partner’s preferences, you can tailor your actions to meet their needs and create a stronger emotional bond. There is no right or wrong type, just preferences. If you don’t understand your partner’s preferences, you may be working hard to love them, but it may not be received well. You may be speaking a foreign language, so to speak.
The 5 Love Languages and How to Act on Them
1. Words of Affirmation
People with this love language value verbal expressions of love, encouragement, and appreciation. Compliments, affirmations, and kind words mean the world to them. They want to be acknowledged and loved with words. It is life-giving to them. Not everyone understands this. My partner for example thinks that talk is cheap and doesn’t like giving affirmations, but he had to learn the hard way, that for him talk is cheap, but for me, it means the world. Remember, there are no right or wrong love languages, just preferences.
How to Act on It:
Say "I love you" often and mean it.
Compliment your partner on their appearance, skills, or achievements. “You look amazing today.”
Leave sweet notes or send thoughtful texts throughout the day. “I’m so lucky to have you in my life.” or “Thinking of you and how much I adore you.”
Love is expressed through verbal encouragement, appreciation, and kind words.
Acknowledge their efforts: “I really appreciate how hard you work for our family.”
Encourage their dreams: “I believe in you and know you’ll achieve your goals.”
2. Acts of Service
For some, actions speak louder than words. Acts of service involve doing things that ease your partner’s burdens or make their life easier.
How to Act on It:
Cook their favorite meal
Do a household chore they dislike without being asked like doing the dishes or folding laundry.
Run errands for them when they’re busy or stressed.
Show initiative by taking care of something they’ve been putting off.
Fill up their car with gas when it’s running low.
Surprise them by organizing or tidying a space they’ve meant to tackle.
3. Receiving Gifts
This love language isn’t about materialism but the thought and effort behind a gift. It’s a tangible way of saying, “I was thinking of you.”
How to Act on It:
Surprise them with small, meaningful tokens, like their favorite coffee or treats or a handwritten letter.
Celebrate milestones with personalized or heartfelt gifts.
Present them with a small token “just because,” like a flower from your garden.
Give them a book by their favorite author or in a genre they enjoy.
Wrap a meaningful item, like a keepsake from a trip or a piece of jewelry.
Personalize a gift, such as a photo book of special memories.
Remember that thoughtful gestures mean more than extravagant purchases.
4. Quality Time
People who value quality time feel most loved when they have your undivided attention. It’s not about the activity but the connection during the time spent together.
How to Act on It:
Plan regular date nights or shared activities you both enjoy.
Put away your phone and be fully present during conversations.
Plan a “no phones” dinner or coffee date where you focus solely on each other.
Set aside time for a deep conversation, asking questions like, “What’s been on your mind lately?”
Take a walk together and talk about your day or dreams.
Share a hobby or activity you both enjoy, like cooking, hiking, or painting.
Have a movie night where you watch their favorite film or series.
Create rituals, like having morning coffee together or taking evening walks.
5. Physical Touch
For some, touch is the ultimate expression of love. Hugs, kisses, holding hands, or just being close can provide comfort and deepen intimacy. Physical touch can include but is not limited to sex. This article talks about how to talk to your partner about sex and get more pleasure in the bedroom.
How to Act on It:
Offer frequent hugs, kisses, or cuddles at the beginning or end of the day
Hold hands while walking or sitting together.
Snuggle on the couch while watching TV or reading.
Offer a back or foot massage after a long day.
Kiss them on the forehead, cheek, or lips as a spontaneous gesture of affection.
Massage your partner when they are worn out or stressed out.
Do an eye gazing exercise.
Be mindful of non-verbal cues that suggest your partner needs physical affection.
How to Discover Your Love Language
If you’re unsure about your love language, take the time to reflect on what makes you feel most loved. Think about past relationships or moments that stood out to you—were they tied to words, actions, time, gifts, or touch?
You can also take the official love languages quiz online or discuss it with your partner to better understand each other’s preferences. Open communication is key.
How to Use Love Languages in Your Relationship
Many of the couples I work with already know about the concept of the love languages. They may even know their and their partners love languages. But, they don’t seem to be using the love languages in their relationships. This is where having a Texas couples therapist can be helpful to you. We can teach you how to use the love language to help your partner feel loved so you can get that spark back!
Once you take the love languages assessment and determine your primary and secondary love languages, I recommend the following.
SHare Your specific love languages:
Share your love languages with each other and discuss what specific actions resonate most with you. I ask couples to each make a list of 20 actions they prefer for their love languages because couples often assume incorrectly wha their partners want just because they know their partners love languages.
For example, if your partner’s love language is physical affection, you might assume they want to be hugged more often, but maybe instead they enjoy it when you rub you hands through their hair or squeeze their butt (people like what they like). Don’t assume anything, instead talk about it. Share your list of what actions you like with your partner. They can’t read your mind. This gives them a kind of cheat sheet for how to love you well.
Practice Regularly:
Make a conscious effort to speak your partner’s love language daily. I recommend that you schedule a time when you will act on one thing your partner wants each day. It is no less romantic or loving if you put it on the calendar. Scheduling this loving action means you are more likely to remember it and create a new habit. If you don’t schedule this, you are likely to forget what you want to do and all of this work will be in vain.
Be Patient:
Learning to express love in a new way takes time, so be patient with yourself and your partner. Encourage their efforts even if it’s nor perfect. This will incentivize them to continue to keep trying.
Check In:
Periodically revisit the topic to ensure you’re meeting each other’s needs and making adjustments as needed. Since you will likely forget to do check-ins, I actually recommend you schedule a quarterly check-in with your partner to discuss how things are going and what may be missing and what they appreciate. You can also keep adding things to your list of actions that you appreciate from your partner. Our relationships are like a garden, they need continued work and maintenance to yield fruit. It is so worth it, though!
Why Love Languages Matter
Understanding and acting on love languages can:
Reduce misunderstandings and conflict.
Increase emotional intimacy and trust.
Help you and your partner feel more connected and valued.
At Wilson Counseling, we often help couples navigate challenges in communication and intimacy. By identifying and practicing each other’s love languages, you can build a more fulfilling relationship. If you’re struggling to connect or need guidance, therapy can provide the tools and support you need.
Final Thoughts
Love languages offer a simple yet profound way to strengthen your relationship. By learning to express love in a way that resonates with your partner, you create a deeper emotional bond and show them they truly matter to you. Start today by discovering your love language and taking one small step to act on it. It will make a BIG difference if you follow through and love your partner in their preferred love language on a regular basis.
If you’re ready to improve communication and deepen your connection, Wilson Counseling in Texas is here to help. Contact us today to schedule a session and take the first step toward a healthier, happier relationship.
OTHER THERAPY SERVICES WE OFFER IN HOUSTON, TX
In addition to Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling, we have other mental health services that we offer at our Houston, TX counseling office. Our services are available for adults, children, and teens. For individuals we offer Anxiety Treatment, Eating Disorder Counseling, School and College Counseling, Autism Therapy, Perinatal and Postpartum Treatment and Infertility Counseling. As well as Trauma Therapy, PTSD Treatment, EMDR Therapy, and LGBTQ+ Counseling. Our caring therapists also offer Family Therapy, Parenting Counseling, Career Counseling, and LPC Supervision. All of these services are also available through Online Counseling throughout Texas.
If you’re ready to get started, contact Wilson Counseling today. Together we can get you to a better place in your relationship.