As a Houston marriage therapist, I don’t worry about the couples who sometimes fight, I worry about the ones who are too apathetic to fight. It is usually a sign one or both members of the couple have checked out of the relationship. Even in the best and happiest relationships, there is conflict. It’s inevitable, like death and taxes.
The key to a healthy relationship, though, is to learn to manage the conflict. One of the things I like to do with new couples is to establish some rules or boundaries at the start of our work together. These are the rules of fair fighting. These rules are not original to me, you can find some versions of them all over the internet. But, they are certainly a good starting point, and they are often not intuitive to couples embroiled in conflict.
I recommend you go over these rules for couples to manage conflict and discuss them with your partner. Can you both agree to abide by these rules? If you do, it’s a great start to managing conflict in a healthier way. Obviously, this is not all you need to improve your relationship, but it’s a good place to begin.
Rules for fair fighting
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #1: NO DEGRADING LANGUAGE
Avoid name-calling, insults, put-downs, or swearing. Putting your partner down or criticizing your partner’s character shows disrespect for his or her dignity. In sports, there are many rules that prevent one player from intentionally injuring another. In marriage and relationships, similar rules must apply. When you intentionally injure your partner, it’s like saying, “You are not safe with me. I will do whatever it takes to protect myself or to win.”
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #2: NO BLAMING
It’s pointless to blame each other. Blaming your spouse distracts you from solving the problem at hand. It invites your spouse to be defensive and it escalates the argument.
For example, if you leave a visa bill lying on the table, and the bill later goes missing, you might be tempted to blame your spouse. You might insist that your spouse is disorganized, must have picked it up and put it somewhere else. Your spouse, in turn, might accuse you of being absent-minded and insist that you just don't remember where you put it. But blaming each other will not accomplish anything. It won't help either of you feel any better. It won't strengthen your relationship at all. And it won't help you find the bill. In situations like this, make a conscious decision that your relationship is too important to undermine it with blame and judgment. Focus on keeping your goodwill for each other intact and finding solutions to the problem instead of blaming.
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #3: NO YELLING
Yelling only escalates things. Chances are nothing will get resolved when your emotions are running so high. If you’re mad and feel like yelling, then it’s time to step away and cool down (see rule #9).
Keep in mind that yelling can be subjective. What is yelling to your spouse may not be yelling to you. Perhaps you are not tuned in to how you sound. Or you may have grown up in a home where family members were loud and passionate, and talking loud when you are upset seems normal.
Your spouse's experience is the one that counts here, however. If it feels like yelling to your spouse, then you are at least raising your voice, if not yelling. Make a conscious effort to lower your voice. The meaning of your communication lies in how your message is actually landing with others. If you can’t tone it down because you are too upset, then it is probably best to take a time-out.
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #4: NO USE OF FORCE
Using physical force or threatening to use force (i.e. a raised fist or a verbal threat) in any way is unacceptable. Develop the self-discipline to set limits on your anger and your behavior before you reach this level. If either of you resorts to physical force and violence in your relationship, seek professional help.
Acting out your anger in these ways violates the other person’s boundaries and sense of safety. Each of us has a right to be safe and free of abuse or physical danger in our relationships.
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #5: NO TALK OF DIVORCE
In the heat of an argument, threatening to leave the relationship is manipulative and hurtful. It creates anxiety about being abandoned and undermines your ability to resolve your issues. It quickly erodes your partner’s confidence in your commitment to the relationship. Trust is not easily restored once it is broken in this way. It makes the problems in your relationship seem much bigger than they need to be.
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #6: DEFINE YOURSELF, NOT YOUR SPOUSE
This rule is about being the expert of your own world, not your spouse’s world. Use words that describe how you feel, and what you want and need, not what your partner feels, wants, or believes.It may seem easier to analyze your partner than to analyze yourself, but interpreting your partner’s thoughts, feelings and motives will distract you from identifying your own underlying issues, and will likely invite defensiveness from your spouse.
More importantly, telling your spouse what he or she thinks, believes or wants is controlling and presumptuous. It is saying that you know your spouse’s inner world better than your spouse does.
Instead, work on identifying your own unmet needs, feelings, and ways of thinking and describe these needs and feelings to your spouse.
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #7: STAY IN THE PRESENT
Stay in the present and resist the temptation to use the situation as an occasion to bring up other issues from the past. It’s discouraging to keep bringing up the past. You can’t change the past. You can only change today. Try to keep your focus on what can be done today to resolve the issue at hand and go forward from there. If you get off-topic, on to other issues, stop yourselves and agree to get back on track. You can always come back to other issues later.
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #8: TAKE TURNS SPEAKING
Let one person speak at a time. When one speaks, the other should be listening—really listening, not just planning their rebuttal. Take turns speaking and listening so that you both have a chance to say what you need.
Have you ever tried to work through a difficult issue when your spouse was talking over top of you and interrupting you? How did you feel? Consciously remind yourself about this when you feel an overwhelming urge to interrupt or speak your mind.
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #9: WHEN NECESSARY, USE TIME-OUTS
Violating these fair fighting rules is typically a sign that you have already crossed a threshold physiologically, in which signals from the more primitive, emotional centers of your brain have begun to drown out the signals from the more rational parts of your brain. Stress hormones flood your body at this stage. Self-preservation becomes the focus. In this fight-or-flight state, creative problem-solving and mutual cooperation are unlikely. You end up in an escalating argument that becomes more and more hostile and defensive. In fact, it is impossible to have a rational discussion in a climate of hostility and disrespect. This is when its time for rule #9: call a time-out.
A time-out is a short break to cool off, calm down and get perspective. It’s an opportunity to calm down and be more reflective instead of reactive. Use the time-out to reflect on why you feel the way you do. Think about how to express yourself in a positive way. Try to think about the other person’s feelings and points of view. Think things through before you speak.
A time-out should be at least a half-hour long (but no longer than twenty-four hours). It takes at least a half-hour for your body’s physiology to return to a normal resting state and for your thoughts to become less hostile or defensive. It’s surprising how different a person’s outlook can be after they’ve had a chance to calm down.
If you and your partner are struggling, talking to a couples counselor can make an enormous difference. Couples often find themselves caught up in unhealthy patterns and fights. It can seem impossible to change. An expert couples counselor can help you and your partner get the tools and skills needed to heal past hurts, improve your communication and bring the spark back into your marriage.
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